baby steps

Yeah. it's been a month since dad had the stroke and heart combo attack. I don't know. Time goes by so slowly now dad's gone. hmmm. His first death monthsary would be on the 9th. I miss you dad. The pain i feel now is no different from the first time i heard you had an attack. yeah. talk about not moving on. It's just that there's so much on my plate right now. with the eternal family complications, thesis, and losing dad. God, this is so hard. I would gladly give up my life for dad to be alive right now. His kindness has touched so many people. I don't know why i can't seem to accept the fact that my father died. Maybe because i don't want to. talk to me in ten years and still i won't want to.

I can speak for everyone that this experience has been the hardest on me. Yes. My way of dealing with the situation was far from healthy. I do confess to the following: banging my head on the wall, cutting myself, taking a bunch of pills, and had my mind set on quitting school. i know that dad wouldn't want to see me this way. heck, no parent would. but I was ready to give up on myself. and a part of me still might.

Now i have to rebuild my life. a life without him. no one said it would be easy. you could say this would be the hardest thing i'd ever have to do. It's just that i have nothing. no family. i never did. my dad was my family. i treasured him the most. just when you have something left to gain in your life, you lose it too.

whatever.

jj apostol was shot at 5:23 AM